


We're Not Who We Used To Be

by ilikepianos



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: (so am i but that's neither here nor there lmao), Angst, Canon Compliant, Heartbreak, M/M, i wrote this at 1am and it's a mess okay, please don't hate me omg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-29 20:09:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12638277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilikepianos/pseuds/ilikepianos
Summary: “We’re not who we used to be”, Harry chokes out, furiously trying to blink away the tears that have started to fill his eyes.ora canon compliant one-shot based on Two Ghosts by the one and only Harry Styles.





	We're Not Who We Used To Be

**Author's Note:**

> Hi hello, can you believe that I've written a non-smutty fic? 
> 
> No? 
> 
> Me neither. 
> 
> But it happened, sooooo here it is: your daily dose of angst and heartbreak. (Please don't hate me.) (This is a mess.)
> 
> Enjoy! xx

_Tick-tock, tick-tock._

 

1am.

 

_Tick-tock, tick-tock._

 

2am.

 

_Tick-tock, tick-tock._

 

3am.

 

Harry can't sleep. And with every hour that passes by he feels more restless and on edge, so eventually he gives up. He slowly untangles his body from the duvet and tip-toes to the bedroom door, careful not to wake Louis, who's snoring softly into his pillow.

 

Almost like in trance Harry finds himself walking downstairs and into the kitchen, his roaring thoughts way too loud for a quiet winter night like this one. Harry isn't hungry, but he opens the fridge nonetheless, aimlessly letting his eyes wander over its contents. The fridge light washes the room white, almost too bright for his tired eyes and a stark contrast to the starry velvet sky outside, and he’s just about to grab a yoghurt when he hears bare feet tapping against the kitchen tiles. He closes the fridge door and turns around.

 

It’s Louis.

 

He’s just standing standing there in the doorway, sleep ruffled, wearing a plain white t-shirt, the moon dancing over his good side, illuminating his face and casting shadows over his tattooed arms. He’s looking at Harry, his blue eyes clouded with sorrow and red lips slightly parted.

 

“Can’t sleep?”, he asks softly, his voice just a tad more raspy than usually.

 

Harry nods, his head feeling incredibly heavy on his shoulders. It must be the floods of thoughts filling his mind and crashing onto the shores, and Harry feels a bit like he's drowning in them.

 

Louis takes a few steps towards him and reaches out, resting his warm hand on Harry’s elbow. “Are you alright?”, he asks quietly.

 

Harry doesn’t respond.

 

Can’t respond.

 

He’s afraid that once he opens his mouths all those thoughts that have been keeping him up for hours will spill out and doesn’t even dare to think of the possible consequences.

 

Louis takes another step forward, crowding into Harry’s space, his body heat radiating off of him and seeping into Harry’s cold limbs, and runs his fingers through Harry’s curls. “Haz. Talk to me. Please”, he pleads, voice barely a whisper.

 

And Harry just.

 

Breaks.

 

“We’re not who we used to be”, he chokes out, furiously trying to blink away the tears that have started to fill his eyes.

 

Louis just stares at him for a moment, almost frozen, then takes Harry’s hands in his. “Harry. No, it’s - we’re - we’re still us, just like we’ve always been! I  _love_ you. I really do. More than anything and that is never ever going to change, okay?” His palms are sweaty against Harry’s but his voice is firm and Harry believes him, he does, has never ever doubted Louis’ love for him, but-

 

“That’s- that’s not what I mean, I- I know you do, okay? I do. And I feel the same way about you. Always have, always will, but it’s just- I mean- _Look at us_! It’s not just that we can’t go out on dates like normal people can, it’s the fact that we’re literally not even allowed to  _interact_ with each other in public, let alone  _touch_ each other! I- When I see you on stage, fringe all messed up, I want to be able to run my fingers through your hair, and - after the shows - I want to be able to hug you and I want to be able to joke around with you on stage, just like we do it with the others. But I can’t do that and instead I have to overthink every single word I say to you in public or every glance I throw your way. This is just- I don’t know, Lou, I really don’t know. It really fucking hurts and I- I’m not sure if I can do this anymore.”

 

Harry’s crying, he’s sure he is, and he’s holding onto Louis for dear life, because Louis is the only thing that can keep him grounded, he’s his anchor, and Harry would be so fucking lost without him. 

 

“Harry”, Louis then whispers, and he’s crying, too. Harry can’t see it through his own tears, but he can hear it in the tremor in Louis’ voice, and it’s fucking heartbreaking. It’s like Harry can literally  _feel_ his heart breaking into tiny little pieces, the splinters leaving wounds everywhere in his chest, and it nearly takes Harry’s breath away because over those past few weeks all he’s done was trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat, the weight of his thoughts slowing it down to a bare minimum, and now all of a sudden he can feel his heart again, and it’s so painful he wants to scream.

 

“Please don’t do this”, Louis whispers then, choked off and pleadingly, his fingernails desperately digging into Harry’s hands. “Please don’t.”

 

“Louis, I-“, Harry starts helplessly. “I don’t know what to do, I really don’t. I wish we were free, I wish we didn’t have to hide because you’re everything to me, Louis, you really are, and I hope you know that. I love you so much, but we just really haven’t been ourselves lately. I feel like we’re drifting apart - we’re literally just like two ghosts standing in the place of you and me - and I can barely even recognise us anymore sometimes.”

 

“I know, Harry. I know. I- I miss the way we used to be so much. We were - well we weren’t  _free_ but we had a lot more freedom than we do now and I- I really fucking miss it. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, Harry Styles. You truly are, and that’s why I will fight for you, for _us_ , I will not give up on us, and even if you choose to leave me now, I will keep fighting. Won’t stop ‘til we surrender, remember? I won’t surrender. So I won’t stop either. I  _need_ you. Please don’t leave.”

 

At that Harry just falls into Louis. His arms wrap around him in a literally breathtaking embrace, and he just holds him impossibly close. He can feel Louis’ hammering heartbeat against his own, Louis’ fingers digging into his back as he reciprocates the embrace, and he’s soaking Louis’ shirt with tears and snot and drool, but he doesn’t care, because he’s holding his whole world in his arms, his _home_ , and he just tries to soak it all in. Louis’ smell, the softness of his skin and hair, his small but strong frame, the way his stubble scratches against Harry’s cheek, just everything. Because there’s a chance that this is the last time Harry gets to hold Louis like that, and just the thought of that makes him choke out a sob against Louis’ shoulder and tightening his hold around him.

 

“I love you”, Harry whispers brokenly. “I’m sorry.”

 

He lets go of Louis, freeing himself from his embrace, and determinedly walks out of the room.

 

“Harry? What are you- Harry!”, Louis calls as he follows him to the front door.

 

“I’m sorry”, Harry chokes out again as he slips on his coat and boots. “I really am.” 

“Harry, no, please don’t do this”, Louis sobs, and he looks so small, so broken and fragile standing there, and Harry’s heart just can’t take it.

 

Without saying another word he turns around and opens the front door, the icy January wind making him shiver, and steps outside. The last thing he hears is Louis’ quiet “ _Please don’t lea-_ “, then he closes the door and leaves.

 

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE DON'T HATE ME OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD *runs away and hides*
> 
>  
> 
> Right, okay, so I just wanted to say that in my own personal interpretation the two of them work this out and DON'T break up, BUT I decided to leave it up for interpretation because why not, so if you're a hoe for angst and sad endings, feel free to interpret this whatever way you want :)
> 
> Aaaaanyway, I hope you enjoyed this little mess of a fic and if you want to yell at me or just talk to me about anything really, come find me on Twitter (@loadedgun) or Tumblr (ilikepianos) :) x
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, I love you and you're amazing, ta-ta <3


End file.
